


Much Ado

by TonySawicki



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst and Porn, Confessions, Dirty Talk, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 09:19:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8572843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: "It’s gotta be one of two things.” He tilted his head back a little and studied Kyo. It was only a brief pause, but Kyo could feel his cheeks heating up under Die’s stare, and could only hope the light in the bar was dim enough that no one else noticed. “So is it that you honestly don’t want anyone, or that the only one you want is someone you can’t have?”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Dir en grey or think any of this is anything like real life, necessarily. Also completely not Shakespeare-related, the title could mislead you.  
> Inspired initially by an interview I read where Kyo said he goes and eats conbini food in the bath rather than making smalltalk with the rest of the band.  
> This is my first Dir en grey fic! I hope it worked! Any comments are always welcome of course, please enjoy!

Tonight’s live had honestly gone really well, as had most of the shows this tour. His voice hadn’t given out on him, technical aspects had been running smoothly, and the fans seemed to be enjoying themselves, which is all that really mattered anyway. By the time Kyo was calling out “LAST SONG” to the screaming crowd below he was still so revved up on adrenaline that he didn't even register how fully exhausted he was. No, that would come later. For now he poured everything he had left into the end of his performance, finally waving as he left the stage and moving to the dressing rooms with a simple, polite nod to the staff he passed in the hall.

He didn’t waste any time, only taking the quickest of showers to rinse off layers of stage sweat and makeup, and then changing into street clothes before leaving the venue without so much as a word to his bandmates. They were staying in a hotel tonight and he was eager to get there and have a room to himself. Besides, he’d see the others in the morning when they were back on the road. It’s not like he had anything to say to them anyway; he hated the awkwardness of trying to make smalltalk, if it wasn’t going to be honest or meaningful why bother with it?

Not thirty minutes later, he was easing himself into a hot bath in his hotel room with a sigh, balancing his plate of food from the conbini on the edge of the tub. The tub was somewhat narrow, but deep, and he allowed himself to float in it a bit as he pulled his knees up closer to his chest. The pain and exhaustion he hadn’t allowed himself to feel during the actual show was now creeping through every inch of him, down his shoulders to the tips of his fingers, and all through his legs so his feet felt like lead blocks at the end of them. 

Music was playing softly from his laptop he’d left on the bed. He closed his eyes for a moment, centering himself, willing the tension to flow out of him and into the water. After a short time, he sat up a little and picked up his chopsticks from his plate. Splitting them apart he murmured a quick, “itadakimasu,” and lifted his plate to set in on his rice. 

As he ate and soaked, he allowed his mind to drift to all the things he usually worked so hard to keep himself from thinking about. It was part of his routine; this was the portion of his day he pieced out to spend on such things. First he examined from various angles the blur of a concert he’d just finished, picking out moments that touched him particularly and absorbing them into himself, and then acknowledging the shame of any errors there had been on his part. Even if they weren’t noticeable to an audience he had to acknowledge them and aim to do better, or what would there be to look forward to in the next live? 

Once he had finished considering tonight’s performance he skimmed over his duties for the next couple days, what was required of him, any changes he wanted to make, or moments he wanted to give more emphasis. He was sifting through layers of his mind, and now he came into the more dangerous, or at least uncomfortable, territory, touching on his existence as a social creature and his regrettable possession of “feelings.”

Presumably right now all his bandmates were off having a drink, celebrating, enjoying a night out. That had never been his scene and never would be, but if he was honest with himself, he had distanced himself from the rest of the group even more drastically of late, and sooner or later someone was bound to call him on it. Probably it would be Shinya. The two of them had always been closest, having known each other for so long. Shinya was more like Kyo than the others, more comfortable standing back and observing, reading people and situations before choosing whether or not to engage. For this reason they had been good friends, and Kyo had confided in Shinya a good deal more than he had in his other bandmates over the years, but recently he hadn’t known how to speak to even the drummer about the things he was dealing with, and he was sure he’d noticed.

It was just another reason he was so quick to leave immediately after the show, to slip out before anyone could try and get him to open up or join in some kind of festivities. In the past he’d gone out with them every now and then, more to prove he wasn’t totally antisocial than anything else, but also because he enjoyed the company of his bandmates. He didn’t drink, so he was able to keep an eye on them, and could fondly remember more of their antics the next morning than they usually could themselves. He’d joined them less and less frequently in the past couple tours, and now the last time he’d gone out with them was over three weeks ago, and the memory of it was enough to get him determined to never spend a night out with them again.

As he drifted deeper into his reverie he slid his back lower against the end of the tub, still sort of blindly working his way through his conbini dinner, completely tuned into his thoughts and not his physical reality.

That night, the live had been especially invigorating; the energy from the crowd had made Kyo feel revitalized so that even at the end of it he didn’t feel like he was going to collapse from baring his soul so fully. When Toshiya had come bounding up to him as he was pulling on his jacket, insisting that he go out and at least share some conversation while the rest of them got hammered, he had laughed and agreed to stay for a short time, if nothing else. He did miss the friendly contact, as paradoxical as that seemed when he knew he went to a lot of trouble to avoid it usually.

The five band members had ended up sitting in a booth in the back corner of a small and bustling bar a couple blocks from that night’s hotel. A couple staff members had joined them and were crowded around a nearby table, weaving casually in and out of conversation, and simultaneously keeping a sort of guard for any drunk fans that might recognize the band and be a little too forward. Kyo sipped his ginger ale and listened as Kaoru went into detail about a change he wanted to make to the setlist. He was about to open his mouth to argue with him when Die cut him off.

“Kaoru, come on, this is not the time and place for this discussion!” He had already had a few beers and was hardly interested in thinking about tomorrow when he was still trying to enjoy tonight.

“Yeah, really,” Toshiya agreed, slapping Kaoru’s arm lightly. “Plus Kyo never comes out with us and when he does, you get him talking about work? Let it go.” He, too, was feeling the pleasant buzz of alcohol in his system and not at all interested in letting shop talk drown it out. He leaned his elbows on the table as he shifted the conversation. “Ne, Kyo, what’s been going on with your love life? Everything okay there?”

Kyo raised his eyebrows at the abrupt change of topic. “How do you mean?” He took a sip of his ginger ale.

Toshiya shrugged. “I haven’t seen you hooking up with anyone this whole tour is all.”

Kyo looked at him dubiously, “I’m reasonably sure you’ve _never_ ‘seen’ me hooking up with anyone.”

“Not for lack of trying,” Die quipped, waggling his eyebrows briefly.

Toshiya tried to look scandalized but ended up laughing and muttering, “Fair enough.”

“No, he’s not wrong, though,” Kaoru said, peering at Kyo thoughtfully. “We haven’t seen, heard, or otherwise suspected you of having any… encounters the entire time we’ve been traveling.” He took a swig of his beer. “Could it be you have someone at home you haven’t told us about?”

Shinya’s eyes narrowed slightly at that and he spoke up, “No. Kyo would have mentioned it to me if he was serious with someone.”

“I just worry if you’re not getting any action at all!” Toshiya said innocently. “I know Kaoru was seeing someone before we left on tour, he certainly calls her often enough, and Shinya’s in some kind of monogamous relationship with his dogs.” He rolled his eyes. “But even if I don’t manage to witness it with my own eyes, it’s unusual for you to not meet _anyone_ interesting.”

“He hardly leaves the bus enough to meet anyone, interesting or otherwise,” Die said with a quiet snort. 

“Or perhaps he’s just finally learned to be more discreet,” Kaoru said, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

“I don’t think he could be so discreet that _Totchi_ would miss it,” Shinya countered. “He makes it his business to know these things… unfortunately.”

Kyo was getting increasingly uncomfortable with this conversation. “What is it to you guys? Why are we talking about this exactly?” He was desperate to redirect the focus onto someone else, but unsure of how to do it smoothly.

Die finished his beer and waved to the waitress to bring him another of the same. “All right,” he said settling back against the seat. “Then if you don’t have a relationship back home, it’s gotta be one of two things.” He tilted his head back a little and studied Kyo. It was only a brief pause, but Kyo could feel his cheeks heating up under Die’s stare, and could only hope the light in the bar was dim enough that no one else noticed. “So is it that you honestly don’t want _anyone_ , or that the only one you want is someone you can’t have?”

It was a casual enough question, not unreasonable given the flow of conversation, and yet Kyo couldn’t help but feel like Die was taunting him. He knew it wasn’t the case, knew Die was just being curious, he didn’t mean anything by it, wasn’t suggesting anything, and yet… Kyo could almost see a sneering glimmer in Die’s eyes, one that he knew wasn’t there. Fed up, he all but snarled, “When am I ever okay with my personal life being pried into like this? Why don’t you all fucking lay off already?” He curled into himself a bit, crossing his legs on the bench, jamming his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

Die laughed loudly and leaned in closer, throwing one arm around Kyo’s small shoulders, and rubbing his knee with his other hand. “So pent-up, look at this! Our vocalist really does need to get laid!”

Toshiya laughed too and looked around Shinya next to him across the bar, his eyes flitting over the patrons, “Don’t worry, I’m sure we can find someone to help him with his problem!”

Die was leaning heavily on Kyo now, making it clear just how much he’d had to drink. He whispered in his ear, “You know, that waitress was actually pretty cute…” He leaned even closer, hooking his index finger on the collar of Kyo’s v-neck t-shirt. Kyo could feel Die’s breath on his neck as he hovered over his ear, and his whole body went tense. He focused on staring ahead of him, eyes unblinking on the woodgrain of the table. “…Or if you were looking for a guy instead…” Die let out a tiny breathless laugh, “I’m sure _Toshiya_ would be _more_ than willing to—” He didn’t finish his sentence as Kyo growled, shoving the lanky weight off of him, and Die fell back against the seat, laughing uproariously.

Toshiya gasped dramatically. “Shut up!!” He threw a coaster across the table at Die. Kaoru pushed Toshiya a little bit, laughing too. 

All of them were focused on Toshiya now, having such a good laugh at his expense that they barely noticed as Kyo pulled a couple of bills out of his pocket and threw them on the table, removing himself from the booth and exiting the bar as quickly as possible. Only Shinya really registered Kyo’s reaction as anything out of the ordinary, his demure amusement at Toshiya’s embarrassment replaced for the smallest of seconds with concern for the vocalist before he filed it away to bring up later.

Kyo had ended up storming all the way back to the hotel, barely making it into his room before he slumped against the door, face in his hands, tears of frustration threatening to escape at any moment. There was nothing for it, he decided. Die had been drinking, and Kyo knew none of them were laughing at _him_ , but it was still all too much. Much as hated admitting it, it hurt too much to keep putting himself in that situation. He couldn’t be around Die when he was drinking, and it was probably best if he wasn’t around him any time he didn’t _have_ to be. 

Since then he’d been actively avoiding the rhythm guitarist. To some extent he’d had to avoid the other band members as well, partly because it was hard to do one without the other, and partly so it wouldn’t look as much like he was singling Die out. Although he was. Still, he always talked to Kaoru about band-related things, usually nit-picking and rearranging this or that, and when Toshiya approached him to chatter away idly about the significance of the dream he’d woken up from on the bus, Kyo would listen amicably enough. He talked to Shinya when the need arose and Shinya, being endlessly patient, didn’t pry into his change in mood, waiting on Kyo to divulge whatever was going on with him. When Die came towards him though, Kyo found a way to leave the room. This proved difficult with how much time they spent on the tour bus, resulting in him awkwardly retiring into his bunk more times than he could count, but he just couldn’t risk being around him. 

It was hard enough sharing a stage with him, where Die was so totally in his element. He fed off the crowd as much as they fed off him, and yet other times Kyo would glance over and see him so lost in the music, his hands moving fluidly over his instrument, his head thrown back, hair blowing, long neck exposed… Honestly, Kyo tried _not_ to glance over there because it tended to completely derail him.

He supposed he couldn’t act like it was such a shock that these feelings for Die had taken root in him. They’d been friends for almost two decades, and Die was, in a way, everything Kyo almost wished he could be. Outgoing, articulate, with such an easy smile and positive energy. Which is to say nothing of the obvious physical attraction. The only real question was just how long he’d been in love with him before he actually admitted it to himself.

Suddenly an urgent knocking at the door to the hotel room jerked Kyo out of his reverie. He blinked several times, reacclimatizing himself to his surroundings. Looking down he noticed he’d eaten his way through the rice, chicken, and 2/3 of the vegetables on his plate without even tasting any of it. The knocking at the door came again, louder this time, and Kyo sighed as he set the plate on the edge of the tub again and dragged himself reluctantly out of the water.

He grabbed a towel and patted himself down quickly before tying it around his waist and stepping down out of the bathroom. He pushed his short blonde hair back from his face and padded towards the door, just as someone was outright banging on it. “Keep yourself together, won’t you? I’m coming!” He unlocked the deadbolt and pulled the door open.

Honestly he should have been expecting it, and yet he didn’t. Somehow he was totally unprepared to find Die on the other side of that door, fist raised to knock again, glaring at him like he had spit on his favorite guitar. Kyo’s first instinct was to close the door again, but he managed to push past that and instead simply stood there, blinking up at the taller man, water droplets tickling as they ran slowly down his shoulder blades. The bath was his time to open up by himself, and he hadn’t expected to be interrupted before he could build his walls back up. He’d been left vulnerable and now the person who he felt could do the most damage to him was standing a foot away, radiating confrontation.

“Die,” he said, finally.

“Oh, so you remember my name, then?” Die didn’t waste any time pretending he wasn’t here for a fight. He’d had a couple drinks already, not enough to feel tipsy, but enough to encourage him, and he wasn’t about to be polite or beat around the bush with this anymore. He pushed his way into the room, toeing off his shoes, and closing the door behind him.

Kyo just took a couple steps back and let Die come in, at a loss for what else to do. He felt overly exposed, in just a hotel towel. He crossed and uncrossed his arms, waiting to see what Die would say.

“I called, like, four times,” Die said. “It’s one thing that you don’t respond to texts but you’re ignoring calls now too? Is that from everyone or just me, the special Fuck Die treatment?”

Kyo glanced at where his jeans were folded on the bed next to his laptop, which was still quietly playing music. He was sure his phone was still in the pocket. He cleared his throat a little bit awkwardly, “I was in the bath.” He gestured to his state of undress.

Die hadn’t really _looked_ at Kyo since coming in, and now surprise filtered across his face as he took in the sight of the half-naked vocalist before him. It was nothing he hadn’t seen hundreds of times before and yet he found himself struggling not to stare as his eyes slid over the tiger at the side of Kyo’s abdomen and down to his hip bones.

As usual, Kyo could feel the color rising to his cheeks as soon as Die was looking at him, and he shifted uncomfortably, feeling more exposed than ever, crossing his arms in front of him and clearing his throat again, hoping to get Die’s attention back to… well, whatever his reason was for showing up here.

When Kyo cleared his throat, Die shook his head, regaining his senses quickly. For a brief moment he thought he might apologize, having clearly interrupted, but he had come there out of anger and he was determined to keep that force driving him until the confrontation was over. Setting his jaw, Die looked back up at Kyo’s face, “Oh you were in the bath? Is that where you’ve been for the past couple weeks too?” It wasn’t particularly clever, but oh well.

Kyo winced a little, but didn’t know how to respond. He went to the bed and picked up his jeans, holding them up and nodding his head towards the bathroom to indicate he was going to get dressed. To his surprise, Die stepped between him and the bathroom, blocking the door, and shaking his head.

“I can’t… put on some pants?” 

“You know what, I guess you can’t,” Die said. “I’m sick of your excuses to leave the room anytime I come anywhere near you, it’s bullshit and I’m done with it.”

Kyo just kind of stared open-mouthed at him and then sat resignedly on the room’s single bed, keeping the jeans on his lap so he could feel at least a bit more covered. When Die didn’t move Kyo raised his eyebrows expectantly. Die still didn’t say anything, and Kyo turned his palms up in an almost helpless gesture.

Die didn’t know how to start any actual conversation. He had done what he’d thought was the hard part, coming to Kyo’s room to confront him about his less than friendly behavior of late. Suddenly it all seemed so petty he was on the verge of panic, and here Kyo was staring at him, clearly waiting on him to start talking. “What?” he snapped.

Kyo looked startled, then annoyed. “What, what? You’re the one who called me four times and then showed up at my hotel room while I was in the bath!”

“Apparently it was the only way I could get you to acknowledge my existence long enough to talk to me!” 

“And clearly, you have _so_ much to say!”

They glared at each other for a long moment, the only sound in the room the quiet music still emanating from Kyo’s computer. When the next song started playing, it only took about two seconds for Kyo to realize it was a DECAYS song, and he reached over, snapping the laptop shut, blushing to the tips of his ears.

Finally, Die sighed. He moved to lean against the wall across from Kyo. “I just… want to know what’s going on. I don’t know what I did, or what you _think_ I did, or what I _didn’t_ do that you’re _blaming_ me for—”

Kyo shook his head in frustration. “No, you didn’t do anything.”

“—But I didn’t actually _do_ anything! So—”

“I know.”

“—I don’t get why I’m being _punished_ when I didn’t even _do_ anything! While _you’re_ over here—”

“I know. You’re right.”

“—angry at me for GOD knows what, because what the fuck did I ever do to you?!”

“Nothing,” Kyo sighed. “You didn’t do anything.”

“Damn straight I didn’t!” Die yelled back. This wasn’t going the way he thought it would. He raked a hand through his hair, and when he spoke again it was in a much more level voice, “I asked Shinya if he thought you were acting weird and he just looked at me like I was completely stupid for saying something so obvious.” He let out a huff of a laugh. “He said maybe I should think back to the last time you went drinking with us.”

Kyo chewed on the inside of his cheek. He should have known Shinya would have caught on to him; that man could always read him like a book.

Die was tracing the patterns on the carpet with his eyes. “But the thing is I can’t… really remember anything happening. I was drinking, obviously, but I just remember us all talking, and I can’t remember _doing_ anything.” When he looked back up to Kyo’s face, he looked pained, almost afraid. “Did I… do something? _say_ something?”

Kyo hated seeing that look on his face, wanted to rush to reassure him, wrap him in his arms if it would bring him comfort. And yet, he hesitated. Die hadn’t technically done or said anything _wrong_ that night, but he couldn’t deny that it was Die’s actions that had motivated him to be so distant. Finally he shook his head, swallowing hard, “It’s my fault. It’s completely me, don’t worry about it.”

“Don’t worry about it?” Die took the few short steps to the bed and sat down next to Kyo. “You’re one of my best friends, Kyo. You have been for years. We used to be able to tell each other things; now you’ve totally cut me off, and all you can tell me is ‘don’t worry about it’?!”

“What do you want me to say?” Kyo clenched his fists around the pair of jeans still piled in his lap.

“Just tell me what the problem is!”

“The problem!” Kyo stood up and started pacing around the small hotel room. “The problem is me! and _you_! But not you, I mean, it isn’t your fault, it’s not your problem, it’s just _me_ , but I can’t very well make it just go away, not like I haven’t _tried_ , but it doesn’t go away!” He was looking everywhere but at Die, still gripping the jeans in one hand, the other scrubbing distractedly through his hair. “So here I am and I have to be around you every day, and every time I am, I feel like another piece of my heart gets chipped off and burned into nothing and I don’t honestly know how there’s anything left, but here I am! And I’m not trying to make you feel guilty or something, you shouldn’t have to deal with this at all, like I said, it’s _me_ , and I’ll get over it eventually, I’m sure, so you shouldn’t even _worry_ about it, and that’s what I said in the first place!!” By the time he finished and turned to face Die, his voice was at at least twice the volume with which he normally spoke, making the silence that followed almost unbearable.

Die stared at him, mouth open like he wanted to say something, but he couldn’t even begin to form a coherent thought.

Kyo coughed a little, and looked down at the jeans he was still carrying around. Desperate for anything to get him out of there, he muttered quietly, “I’m just gonna change.” He crossed quickly to the bathroom and locked the door behind himself. He stared at his reflection in the mirror, wondering what he had just done. Trying not to let his thoughts pull him down into a spiral, he quickly went about getting dressed. Once he had his jeans and t-shirt on, he finally cleaned up everything he’d left unfinished when his bath had been interrupted, draining the tub and dumping the remains of his dinner into the small garbage can under the counter with a sigh (he hated wasting food). He took another look at himself in the mirror, messing self-consciously with his hair one last time before he squared his shoulders and headed back into the main room.

A quick look from the abandoned laptop on the bed to the door made it more than obvious: Die was gone and Kyo was once more alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of Die's confrontation with Kyo, how are things changed between the two?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers, but this is my first go at writing any kind of smut, so hopefully it's not too awkward. Please enjoy!

Kyo stepped aboard the tour bus with a horrible pit of dread in his stomach. It was hard to fathom but he really had managed to make things even worse and now he was going to have to deal with the consequences. Kaoru greeted him from his spot at the table, with an inconsequential comment about how he hoped the hotel had provided Kyo with some well-deserved rest. Kyo wasn’t really listening, and nodded, heading to drop his bag off in the back of the bus before returning and slumping into one of the chairs facing opposite the couch. Honestly he hadn’t rested at all. He couldn’t tell you whether or not he had slept, as the night had been more of an endless terror weaving him in and out of consciousness and visions of Die sneering at him in disgust, or laughing as Kyo knelt on the ground gathering tiny glass shards meant to be bits of his rather dramatically shattered heart.

Shinya showed up a few minutes later, his long cardigan catching for a moment on the counter of the small kitchen as he passed. He bowed his head in greeting to Kaoru and Kyo, and moved to deposit his luggage in the back just as the vocalist had done. He came back, holding a bottle of water, and sat on the couch, crossing one leg gracefully over the other. Just as he got himself situated, Die boarded the bus, followed closely by Toshiya, who was munching happily on a croissant and describing the plot of the anime he was binge-watching online to the guitarist. Kaoru and Shinya both waved as they entered, and Kyo nodded to them, nervous to see Die’s reaction. To his dismay, Die looked right past him, not giving the slightest acknowledgment at all before he marched to the back of the bus, Toshiya taking a bit more time to properly greet his bandmates.

Shinya looked across at Kyo, giving him a questioning head tilt. Kyo just shook his head and mouthed, “later.” Shinya rolled his eyes at that and took a drink from his bottle of water. Toshiya went to put away his things and came back to sit at the table across from Kaoru, flipping open a magazine. Ten minutes later the bus was getting ready to head out on the road, and Die hadn’t come back to the front. Kyo closed his eyes and leaned his head back against his chair, cursing himself for the thousandth time in the past twelve hours.

Kaoru’s phone rang and he stood up as he answered it, “Ah, hello sweetheart. Yeah, we’re just getting on the road now, I was going to call you but I wasn’t sure you’d be up this early…” He laughed as he started walking towards the back of the bus, looking for somewhere more private to take his call. Shinya took the opportunity to move across the aisle and sit in the chair closer to Kyo.

Nudging him gently, he said, “What happened?”

Kyo looked miserably at him and shrugged, “I don’t know?”

“How do you not know?” Shinya said skeptically. “When I saw Die last night, he was mad, like, totally pissed off, and he said he was gonna go talk to you. Today you guys seem to be avoiding each other even more than you were. Did he talk to you?”

Kyo nodded. “He showed up at my hotel room and kind of started yelling at me… I didn’t even get to finish my dinner.”

“But he’s still mad?”

“I may have… said some things that I shouldn’t have,” Kyo said, grimacing.

“What kind of things?” Shinya asked, face unreadable.

Kyo cringed at the memory of what all he had said last night. He was supposed to be a poet and a wordsmith and everything he’d said to Die was possibly the least eloquent phrasing imaginable.

Shinya took a sip from his water bottle and said softly, “Did you tell him you were in love with him?”

Kyo scrunched up his face and pulled his feet up onto the seat, hugging his knees to his chest. “Not… in so many words.”

“Which words did you use then?”

“Ugh. A lot more?”

“Hmm.”

“Oh god, he hates me now,” Kyo rested his forehead on his knees. “This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. Why did I say anything, shiiit, why couldn’t I keep my mouth shut?”

Shinya looked sadly at his friend. “He probably doesn’t hate you?” He shrugged. “I don’t know for sure, obviously. What did he say?”

“Nothing,” Kyo said, without moving.

“Nothing? What, at all?”

“At all. I basically told him, you know, why I’ve been acting so… whatever, and then he was just looking at me and I couldn’t stand it so I went to put on my pants and when I came back he had left already and he didn’t say a god damn thing.”

“Wow,” Shinya said. After a pause, he asked, “So, are you saying, prior to that point, you had been having the conversation _without_ pants?”

Kyo snorted miserably. “He showed up while I was in the bath; I didn’t have the chance to get dressed.”

Shinya tilted his head at the image that came to mind: Die standing, yelling in the hotel bathroom, towering over Kyo, naked in the bath tub, his dinner thrown mercilessly on the floor. “Maybe it was just a lot for him to deal with if you told him your feelings while you were naked. Maybe he was intimidated.”

“What?” Kyo turned to squint at Shinya. “Geez, I had a towel on, at least.”

“Oh, hmm.” Shinya sounded almost disappointed. 

“Man. I really fucked up, Shin,” Kyo said, burying his face in his knees once more.

Shinya rubbed a hand over Kyo’s shoulder, not knowing how to comfort him, just wanting to let him know he was there.

Toshiya minded his own business throughout the whole exchange rather surprisingly. He kept his earbuds in and his eyes on the magazine in front of him, and although he could feel the tension and discomfort in the air, he could also see that Kyo was legitimately upset, and didn’t pry into it. When Kaoru returned from his phone call, Kyo curled up in his chair and tried to doze off. Shinya pulled out his tablet and started going through his email, and the rest of the day on the bus passed uneventfully.

They only had a few shows left on this tour and then they’d be returning home. And every day, Die ignored Kyo to an even greater extent than Kyo had been ignoring him previously. Once, in their pre-show huddle Kyo’s hand accidentally brushed Die’s and he was sure he almost saw a cartoon puff of air with how fast Die jerked his hand away. It hurt, obviously, and that night, Kyo’s performance held a touch of nostalgia for the days when he would more commonly tear into himself, nearly collapsing onstage as his blood trickled down his chest.

Every night, Kyo was still plagued by the nightmares, tossing and turning in his bunk on the bus, haunted by image after image of Die jerking away from Kyo’s touch, Die looking at him in fear and disgust; scenario after scenario wherein Die found a way to quit the band, walking away from all of them and from the music he was passionate about, just because he was so uncomfortable being around Kyo.

Kyo was exhausted and on-edge all the time, and his voice suffered for it. By the last show, he was beyond relieved that it was ending, unable to even find the warmth in himself required to blow a few kisses to the audience or greet the odd fan that managed to find him between the bus and the venue. He was ready to just go home.

When the tour ended, the band had only three full days off before they were supposed to start rehearsals again. Kyo didn’t leave his apartment at all during those days. No one contacted him and he wasn’t about to reach out to anyone. He was determined during that break to try for the forty-sixth time to Get Over Die once and for all. He invested himself in a distracting new TV series, he wrote constantly, he reorganized all the drawers and cupboards in his kitchen, and still the very thought of Die made his heart flip right over. He couldn’t bring himself to try and go out and find someone to rebound with either, unable to imagine even faking that kind of intimacy with someone else when his soul was so firmly placed with Die. At least he was finally sleeping more, although the nightmares didn’t seem to fully stop.

In no time at all though, they were all back in the rehearsal space at the studio. They had new music to work on and Kyo welcomed the distraction hungrily. Kaoru had scarcely seen the vocalist throw himself into the work this completely, and was almost worried about him. Die still tended to act like Kyo was no more than a piece of furniture in any room they both occupied, and Kyo came to accept this is how it would be from now on.

 

It had been two weeks since the tour had ended when one night Kaoru sent them all from rehearsal earlier than usual. He smiled a little, confessing it was his six-month anniversary with his girlfriend and they had a romantic evening planned. No one was complaining at getting out of rehearsal early and they all wished him luck on his date and split to go their separate ways for the night in fairly high spirits. 

Kyo stepped into the elevator and had just pushed the button for the ground floor when a hand abruptly stopped the doors from closing. He paled to see Die stepping into the elevator with him, and closed his eyes, trying to meditate his way through the fourteen floors until the ground level.

“I shouldn’t have left like that.”

At the sound of Die’s voice, Kyo opened his eyes and blinked a few times, looking around. Was he speaking to someone else? Maybe he was on the phone? But no, when he glanced up at the other man, his soft brown eyes were staring back at him.

Still, Kyo was unsure what to make of Die’s words. “…What?”

“That night,” Die said, forcing himself to keep meeting Kyo’s gaze. “I… guess I got kind of freaked out. But it was wrong of me to just leave without saying anything, and I wanted to apologize.”

Kyo was stunned to speechlessness. The elevator dinged and the doors opened on their floor. He shifted his bag on his shoulder and stepped out of the elevator, passing through the lobby and out the front doors, Die keeping pace with him. He looked over at him, uncertain how he should respond to the apology. “Okay,” he said lamely. He started waving for a taxi.

Die furrowed his brow. “I wasn’t freaked out by you. I mean, like, by what you said, exactly.”

A taxi pulled up to the curb and Kyo moved towards it, looking warily at Die. “Okay?”

Die followed him to the taxi and, to his surprise, got into the back seat alongside him. “I have… more to say. If that’s all right. You don’t mind if I come over?”

Kyo looked extremely uncomfortable, but nodded slowly, “Sure, that’s… fine. To my place, you mean? That’s fine.” He actually had never had any of his bandmates over to his apartment, and he certainly hadn’t been expecting to have company tonight, but if Die was choosing now to start speaking to him again, then he supposed he’d better just roll with it. He told the driver his address and sat back against the seat, trying to untie the innumerable knots in his stomach.

Die didn’t say anything during the relatively short drive to Kyo’s apartment. He was just trying to organize his thoughts, as if he hadn’t been doing enough of that the past three weeks. When the cab pulled up at a rather unassuming apartment complex he peered at it curiously before stepping out of the car and waiting for Kyo.

Kyo paid the driver and thanked him, heading for the door to his building. He was uneasy having Die following him and tried his best to just ignore him as he took the stairs up to the third floor and walked quickly down the half-dark hallway to his door. 

Die waited patiently for him to open the door, his hands in his pockets. Once it was open, Die was unsurprised to see that the apartment was set up rather traditionally. He stepped into the genkan and removed his shoes, placing them in a cubby to the left of the door. Kyo offered him a pair of house slippers, heading himself into the kitchen in bare feet to boil some water for tea.

While Kyo was in the kitchen, Die looked around the living room, breathing in the scent of the tatami and the lingering hints of an incense that Die couldn’t quite place. Tall, dark shelves lined the walls, overfilled with books and an extensive music collection. Die crouched to inspect some of the titles closest to the floor and discovered a shelf that was all notebooks and journals, rather than published works. He pulled one down and a quick glance was enough to tell him they were all the same, filled with Kyo’s poetry and sketches. He ran his fingers over the broken spines of the journals, and turned when he heard Kyo setting down teacups on the low table on the other side of the couch.

Kyo settled himself on a cushion and held his tea in both hands, staring down at it, while Die came and sat across from him, gratefully accepting his own tea. It was quiet except for the soft ticking of a clock somewhere.

Finally Kyo asked, “So what exactly were you freaked out by then?”

Die took a sip of his too-hot tea and hissed slightly. “Well. The fact that I thought I knew you so well and that we could trust each other, and yet I hadn’t known this. The fact that I didn’t know how _long_ I had been completely blind to something that was obviously causing you distress. The realization that I might have been hurting you without even thinking about it, in countless small ways, every time I talked about some girl I went home with, or made fun of Toshiya’s crush on you, or teased you for your stage boners.” Kyo snickered at that, and Die smiled. Then his face sobered again. “I don’t want to hurt you. I care about you, Kyo. So much.”

Kyo was chewing at the inside of his cheek again and he nodded a little.

“I didn’t know how to say any of it, and I was mad at myself for not knowing you better, and for not asking you sooner what was going on when I noticed you pushing me further and further away,” Die went on, setting his cup down on the table. “I got paranoid. I thought anything I said or did around you could be taken the wrong way, so I tried to just avoid you altogether.”

Kyo rolled his eyes a little. “I wasn’t going to take anything the wrong way, I’m not stupid.” He drank half of his tea in one gulp. “You know I’m not the type of person to… get my hopes up about something.”

Die frowned, shaking his head. “That’s not what I mean. I meant I didn’t want you to think I was… making fun of you somehow, or… I didn’t want to hurt you anymore. You know I’m a pretty touchy-feely person…”

Kyo snorted, “Yeah, I know.”

“So it was really hard for me, trying to be aware of myself physically all the time, trying to give you your space. I didn’t want this to ruin our friendship.”

Kyo nodded again and drank the rest of his tea, setting the cup on the table and getting to his feet, his knees popping quietly. “I thought for sure it was ruined already.”

“No! I mean, not to me, I would never want to lose your friendship!” Die said quickly, looking worried.

“Right, thanks,” Kyo held up a hand, not overly eager to hear a speech about how much his friendship meant to Die or how he thought of him as a little brother. He moved to the couch, sitting with his legs stretched out across the cushions, leaning his back against one arm of the couch.

“I really regret how I behaved,” Die said, standing and leaning his hip against the opposite arm of the couch. “That night, and since then, I’ve been an ass, and I’m sorry.”

Kyo gave him a tired, sad smile. “I get it, it’s all right.”

“I just wasn’t ready to deal with it then, but I am now,” Die said firmly.

Kyo nodded. Then he paused. “With what?”

“With us,” Die said awkwardly. “But I’m ready now.” His eyes widened in horror. “I mean, if you still—oh god, I’m sorry, I’m presuming, I meant, if you even still want to.”

Kyo was staring at him incredulously. “What are you saying?”

Die moved towards him, leaving the slippers on the floor as he tentatively straddled Kyo’s legs on the couch and reached out to touch his cheek with his thumb. “I want to try being with you, I’m ready to be with you. Romantically. If you’re still interested.” He bit his lip nervously and then leaned forward to gently kiss Kyo’s mouth.

Kyo sighed into the kiss and then pulled away, looking wary. “Die…,” he said, in a warning tone. He looked at him with pleading eyes. He didn’t see how this could be true, when this morning he was convinced Die would never speak to him again. Wasn’t this too much to hope for?

“Kyo,” Die said, scooting himself closer to the vocalist. “I know I’ve behaved badly, and I’m sorry, but let me try. Let me show you that I want this, I want what we can have together.” He leaned in to claim Kyo’s lips again. 

Kyo seemed to melt into it, all the fight going out of him as he pulled Die closer and tangled one hand in his long hair. Suddenly he couldn’t seem to have Die close enough to him, and he parted his lips for the guitarist’s tongue to delve into his mouth.

Die let out a low moan into Kyo’s mouth as he crawled forward so he was straddling his hips more than his legs. With one hand at the back of Kyo’s neck and the other firmly on his shoulder, he started ever so slowly to grind against him. Kyo shuddered, immediately bucking his hips up towards Die. Die broke the kiss and traced Kyo’s jawline with his tongue, up to his ear, causing the smaller man to gasp and tilt his head back, granting him better access to anything he wanted. “Kyo, I’m not gonna lie, I want you. Tonight, if you don’t mind.”

Kyo smirked and looked at Die with hooded eyes, “I’m fine with that.”

Die nibbled his ear a little. “Good. ‘Cause I haven’t really been able to get the image of you, dripping, with just that thin towel around your hips, out of my mind.” He ground against Kyo a little more intently, making sure he could feel his arousal pressing against him. Kyo let out another tiny gasp as Die ran his tongue along the curve of his ear. “God, your hips… you’re so sexy.” He ran his hand down Kyo’s side, his thumb caressing his hipbone and tugging a little at the waistband of his jeans.

Kyo bucked his hips up to meet Die, feeling how hard he was already and needing him even closer. He started quickly unbuttoning Die’s shirt, desperate to feel his skin against him. Die smiled against his neck and shrugged the shirt off once it was unbuttoned. He kissed and licked up and down Kyo’s neck, biting gently here and there, earning him lots of good noises. Kyo dragged his nails lightly down Die’s back and he moaned right in his ear. It was too much for Kyo and he hurriedly went for Die’s belt.

Die dipped one hand down to grab at Kyo’s cock through his jeans, groaning as he responded immediately, pushing into Die’s hand and grunting. Die let out a breathless chuckle and leaned to whisper in Kyo’s ear again. “It’s been a while actually, since I was with a guy,” he admitted. “But not so long that I could forget how much I love having a dick in my mouth.”

Kyo’s eyes widened and he let out a whine at Die’s words, finally managing to get the taller man’s fly totally unbuttoned. He reached into his pants and wrapped his hand around Die’s hard length, stroking him slowly for the time being. He hadn’t exactly expected Die to be so talkative like this. Maybe he just hadn’t considered what he would be like in this situation at all, but god, it was doing an incredible amount to turn him on.

Die tugged Kyo’s t-shirt up and over his head and reluctantly removed himself from Kyo’s grip as he started kissing down his chest, pausing to lick over a nipple and then tug at it with his teeth. Kyo arched up into it, breathing out a quiet, “ohh” as the other nipple received the same treatment. He looked down at Die as the redhead kissed and licked soothingly over scars across Kyo’s chest and abdomen. Die paused again to run his teeth lightly over Kyo’s hipbone, which seemed to be a favorite of his, and he started to work Kyo’s jeans off of him as he ran his tongue down the prominent vein that disappeared into his boxers.

Kyo tried the whole time not to squirm, unsure of what to do with his hands, sighing in relief as his achingly hard cock was freed from his tight jeans. He settled on leaving one hand in Die’s hair, the other touching lightly over his own chest, playing distractedly with his nipples. Die smiled up at him as he finally yanked Kyo’s boxers down his thighs, revealing his arousal.

For a moment, Die simply admired him, and Kyo swallowed nervously, blushing, that same feeling he always had of being so exposed under Die’s stare, now more appropriate than ever. Then suddenly the flat of Die’s tongue was running along the underside of Kyo’s shaft in one fluid movement and Kyo gasped loudly. His eyes slipped shut as Die took the head into his mouth and sucked for a moment before circling the head with his tongue and then dipping briefly into the slit, which was just beading over with pre-cum. Die moaned at the taste of it, so utterly Kyo, and moved down on him, taking more of his length into his mouth.

Kyo’s hand in Die’s hair tightened, although he didn’t push, and he used all the restraint he could to keep his hips where they were so he didn’t gag Die on his cock. He pulled at a nipple and bit his lip rather hard to keep from screaming at the things Die was doing to him.

Die pulled back and licked at Kyo’s balls for a bit, sucking one into his mouth and then the other, before moving back up and taking in as much of his length as he could, sucking almost desperately.

“Fuck, Die!” Kyo said loudly, throwing his head back and feeling himself dangerously close to snapping. He tugged urgently at Die’s hair, not wanting to surprise him by shooting down his throat. Die pulled up at once, licking his lips and smiling at the wild look on Kyo’s face.

He leaned over him, kissing his cheek, and then breathing in his ear, “Don’t cum yet. Not yet.” He nipped his ear and smiled. “I’ll tell you when.”

Kyo whined a little but nodded quickly, unable to stop squirming.

“I love the way you move your hips,” Die said, taking one of Kyo’s hands and just lacing their fingers. “You do it onstage and sometimes it’s all I can do to look away and focus on my guitar.” He ducked his head, blushing slightly.

“Really?” Kyo was surprised to hear that Die had thought such things about him in concert.

“Are you kidding? It’s not like it’s a huge secret that you’re incredibly fucking sexy and anyone watching you live has a hard time not getting turned on. That doesn’t just go for the audience, you know,” Die laughed, pressing a kiss to the corner of Kyo’s mouth.

Kyo blushed too, but smiled widely. “Tell me more about how I turn you on.”

“Well for one thing, there’s that ass of yours,” Die said, bringing Kyo’s hand to his lips and kissing the knuckles lightly. “I may have even had a sex dream wherein I had you bent over the counter in a dressing room, just humping your incredible ass until I lost it.”

“Mm, that could easily become a reality,” Kyo smiled. 

“And don’t get me started on that thing you do onstage sometimes where you randomly lick something, the mic stand, your own fingers… It’s so overtly sexual and I’m always just glad I have a guitar in front of me.”

Kyo laughed. “I’m going to have to keep all of this in mind.”

“Nooo, you’re just going to make all our concerts torture for me!” 

“But the fun kind!” Kyo said, leaning to nip at Die’s bottom lip playfully.

Die just looked at Kyo for a long moment before he pushed himself up and said, “Okay, so, sorry to be the awkward one, but you have lube somewhere?”

Kyo smirked and nodded. “In the bedroom.”

Die arched an eyebrow, “Shall we relocate?”

“Lovin’ this dirty talk,” Kyo said, his smirk growing wider. Then he gave a yelp as Die was scooping him up and carrying him bodily down the hall.

“I’ve never been here, I don’t know where I’m going!” Die announced kicking open doors at random, trying to see which one was the bedroom.

Kyo laughed, swatting Die’s arm, “If you put me _down_ , I could show you, you moron!”

“Nah, this is more fun,” Die grinned, pushing open the last door on the left side of the hall and letting out a triumphant cry. “Eureka!” He walked over to the bed and threw Kyo down on it. He landed with an “oomph” and his cheeks reddened a little as he realized Die was officially in his bedroom.

“Um, it should be in this drawer,” Kyo said, leaning to get the lube out of the drawer of his nightstand while Die pulled his pants and underwear all the way off and tossed them carelessly on the floor. Kyo pushed the lube into Die’s hand along with a condom, and swallowed nervously. “Here, I’m… not sure what you want to do with it, so, there, you can have it.”

Die grinned wickedly and crawled onto the bed on top of Kyo, lube in one hand. “I can tell you what I want to do with it,” he offered. “Or I can just do it.”

Kyo nodded, breathless at the thoughts that flickered through his head.

“Why don’t you stroke yourself for me?” Die suggested softly.

Kyo hesitated, but then nodded again. He didn’t think he could resist almost anything Die would have told him to do. He started out just barely tracing his fingertips over his still mostly-hard cock, shuddering at the sensation. He kept his eyes trained on Die’s face.

Die got the condom open and slid it securely over his own erection. Then he sat back and watched Kyo with a smirk, popping open the lube and coating a few fingers liberally. “Spread your legs,” he said.

Kyo shifted a bit, opening his legs as he closed his fingers around his arousal and began slowly pumping it, trying not to let himself ramp it up too quickly.

Die ghosted his fingers over Kyo’s balls and then reached back behind them further, pausing at his entrance, searching Kyo’s face for any sign that this wasn’t what he wanted.

Instead Kyo whined, rocking his hips, “Die… please.”

Die pushed one finger into him and Kyo gave a loud moan, moving his hand over his own cock a bit more urgently. Die felt him adjust rather quickly and after moving the digit in and out a few times, he added a second finger.

“Nnggg, god, yeah,” Kyo groaned, his eyes closing as he tipped his head back. He paused, just squeezing his dick for a moment, then tugging on it a couple of times, pulling his lower lip between his teeth.

It was one of the most erotic things Die had ever seen. He spread his fingers inside him, stretching and getting comfortable before he started pumping them in and out rather quickly. He leaned down over Kyo to whisper more dirty things in his ear. “You love this, don’t you?”

Kyo kept his eyes closed and his lip between his teeth, just nodding quickly.

“I didn’t know you’d be such a little slut, that you’d love my fingers fucking your tight little asshole so much, but you are, aren’t you?” The words coming out of his mouth surprised even Die, but he couldn’t seem to help himself.

Kyo’s eyes opened in surprise at the way Die was speaking to him, but it shot spikes of arousal right through him and straight to his straining dick, and he whimpered at the lewdness of the words. He took his hand off himself, instead fisting both hands in the sheets under him, worried he’d push himself over the edge with even one more touch, and he knew he was supposed to wait for Die to tell him when.

Die stretched him further, inserting a third finger as he hissed in his ear, “I said you’re a slut, aren’t you? Answer me.”

“Fuck,” Kyo breathed out. “Yes. God, yes.”

Die didn’t think he could handle much more. “I need you. I want you riding me.” He pulled his hand free, wiping his fingers on the boxers he’d dropped by the side of the bed. Then he grabbed Kyo by the waist and flipped them over so that he was underneath the smaller man. He poured some more lube over his cock and let Kyo take control of lowering himself onto him.

Kyo let out an almost strangled sound as he felt Die’s cock stretching and filling him. He gripped Die’s shoulders leaning on him as he took a moment to adjust to the feeling, then he sighed and started moving.

Die was in heaven. He couldn’t think of anything better than watching Kyo rocking those hips, riding him for all he was worth, Kyo’s own cock still jutting out rock hard from his body, the tip weeping. Kyo brought one hand up to tangle in his own hair, tugging ever so slightly now and then, the other hand splayed across Die’s stomach, keeping his balance. The whole time he was moving he was letting out little sounds, moans, whimpers, tiny mewling noises. Die loved it, and let Kyo do most of the work, only pushing up into him every so often.

Then Kyo was shifting around, adjusting his angle, pulling himself up and bringing himself down more and more every time. Finally he seemed to find the angle he was looking for, as his eyes opened wide and he cried out loud. He stayed at that angle, bouncing on Die’s dick, fucking himself down on it hard, again and again, moaning loudly as he did so. Die watched in amazement and hissed in pain as Kyo gripped his bicep hard enough to bruise.

“Die! Please!” Kyo panted suddenly.

Die looked up at him, eyes slightly glazed with his quickly-approaching orgasm. “Nn?”

“You said,” Kyo looked at him desperately, panting every other word. “you’d tell me when. Please, I need to cum now, god, let me?”

Die looked at Kyo’s impossibly hard cock in front of him, his balls drawn up, so obviously ready to explode. “Fuck, Kyo, yes, cum for me, all over me,” he breathed.

Kyo really had just been waiting for permission. He slammed himself down on Die’s cock one more time and screamed, dragging his nails down either side of Die’s torso, thick spurts of sticky cum erupting from him, landing across Die’s chest and stomach. 

The visual stimulation along with the pleasurable pain of Kyo’s nails digging into him hurtled Die over the edge as well and he thrust up into Kyo only two or three times before he was emptying himself into the condom buried deep inside the vocalist with a guttural cry of Kyo’s name. Kyo was leaning over Die, hands on either side of his head, supporting himself, and he let out a soft moan as he felt himself being filled. He stayed like that a few minutes before he pulled himself off of Die’s cock with a small whimper and lay beside him. Die disposed of the condom in a small trash can under the nightstand, and when he lay back down, Kyo settled against him, one leg bent and sprawled across Die’s.

As Kyo struggled to regain his breath, he realized he was blissfully happy. He felt safe and wanted and at peace. Part of him expected to wake up at any second. Instead he felt Die’s arm tighten around his shoulders and his lips in his hair. 

“I know I said so already, but I’m sorry I was an ass,” Die murmured.

Kyo shook his head, “I know, it’s okay.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner,” Die said earnestly. “I mean, damn. This is a good place to be.”

Kyo grinned against his shoulder. “I like it too.”

“Kyo, this is just the beginning, right?”

Kyo peered up to see Die’s face. “As long as you want it to be. I’d like it to be just the beginning.”

“Good. I want to keep you a ridiculously long time,” Die said smiling.

Kyo nuzzled more against the crook of his neck. “I’m yours. As long as you want me.”

Die hesitated and then couldn’t keep inside what was pushing against his teeth, desperate to get out, “I love you, Kyo.”

Kyo froze and then just squeezed his arms tighter around Die, trying not to ruin this moment by crying. “Die. I love you.”

That was it then, why he felt so safe, so supported. The love was basically tangible, and it was truly only the beginning.


End file.
